T-Mobile to reveal your darkest fears

Mobile phone users across the country are being warned that their innermost anxieties and phobias are being used by mobile phone companies to increase the number of people signing up for their text message packages. Private data released by rogue T-Mobile staff means that all of their customers’ habits, dreams and desires are in the public domain. These can be used to manipulate those who would never ever sign up to any deal that features an association with something that scares them stiff. Hundreds of customers have reported instances of coercion based around the themes of “bat fury” and “a dawn raid from clowns.”

Gemma Pilsbury was a Vodafone customer coming to the end of her contract when she received a cold call from a person representing another company. “They told me that they could offer me a better deal. I said no, I was happy with Vodafone. Then they said that all Vodafone customers were required to do some public speaking as part of their contract renewal. I just froze up as I’ve never been able to speak in public. Ever since I saw Ricky Gervais at the Diana memorial concert.

“I signed up to Orange that very instant and ever since then my life has fallen apart. I’ve lost friends, I can’t sleep at night and I can never get any bloody signal.”

Joe Larkten was another such victim. “I got a call from Virgin who said that if I signed up to a two year deal, they would be able to rescue me from the swarm of bees who would lock me in a confined space. I can’t believe they would use such manipulative tactics like that. To target someone at their weakest and most vulnerable. Although the amount of free minutes I get each month is outstanding.”

Delight as I’m A Celebrity contestants work out why each other is famous

It is the Eureka moment that could set the series of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ to be one of the defining television shows of the year as the contestants finally work out how on earth they are deemed to be celebrities. Creator of the show, Vince Nevor, explained why this year’s show appeared to be consisting of bag ladies and people purloined from chicken sexing plants. “We had to shake up the whole system. We’ve got to question the whole nature of celebrity and get people to ask, ‘Are these celebrities or simply people who have been on TV?’. It’s very Samuel Becket. According to my researcher.“

The series exploded into life with the arrival of Katie Price, the model formerly known as Jordan who formerly was quite pretty until she took a scalpel to her face. Until then, the cast had been stalking each other like panthers, unsure whether they were in the presence of celebrity or just a dick in a cork hat. With the introduction of Katie Price, Lucy Benjamin stammered, “It’s that one, the one who has got massive funbags and pretends to write books. This must be a reality TV show!”

This set off a spiral of discoveries as each began to recognise one another. Kim Woodburn was the next to be worked out and formerly unmasked as the person who is filmed telling other people that they are living in filth. Questions still remain over Justin Ryan who keeps on telling the others that he is the star of the BBC Three documentary, My Inguinal Hernia and Me. But the others are not so sure. The one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats has her doubts. “I’m sure he’s served in me in KFC,” said the one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats.

Nurses to be patronised to degree level

A radical new shake up of Britain’s nursing system means that any doctor wishing to patronise a nurse with either “Sweetheart”, “Honeycheeks” or “Saucy thighs” will have to add the suffix “BA (Hons)” at the end. The new regulations also mean that nurses can no longer be chased around hospital wards to the sounds of the Benny Hill theme tune.

Chief of nursing Deborah Barnhart praised the new levels of professionalism. “I’m delighted about the advances that are being made. I gather that in the new Carry on film, Carry On Administering Care Whilst Appreciating the Financial Constraints Under Which the NHS is Operating, the Kenneth Williams stand-in will exclaim such things as ‘Oh Matron, I say, that's a bit of a big one. By one I mean the funding for your MPhil.’”

The heightened stringency of the new regulations has filtered down to the wards with patients getting used to the new levels of professionalism. Nurse Beth Cartwright told her story about her experiences. “I had one chap, an elderly gentleman, who I was tending to. I turned around and felt him slap me on the bum. I turned back and he said, ‘Nice thesis darling. I thought your examination of the effect of improved food production in post-industrial Britain on infant mortality rates was smashing.’ I smiled, turned away and then withdrew his sodium drip when he wasn’t looking. He completely missed the point of my paper.”

Sun’s fury over child’s letter to Santa

We are in the midst of Christmas season and children are beginning to beg Santa for presents. Some are wishing for X-Boxes, some are wishing for remote control cars and some are wishing that some politician would have the balls to have the conviction to enact social change in spite of corporate interests that stipulate that all of Western society must be born and remain as passive consumers who believe that forever purchasing commodities will provide some temporary happiness rather than having to develop any kind of adult faculties which are necessary to confront the desolate waste of existence, which previous civilisations have engaged with rather than going down the route of deluding itself with Ben Stiller movies.

But the whole nature of Christmas has been thrown into disrepair after the revelation of a child’s letter to Santa. The missive in question detailed the wishes to Santa but has been shown to be replete with mistakes. Father Christmas was dismayed at the lack of spelling and grammar in the letter sent to him. In a special report, the Sun newspaper reported the scandal as “Kidz Take Santa 4 A Wanka”. The letter which has been posted in the newspaper, reveals the level of ineptitude including such errors as “I waana ponee and sheeut.”

Editor of the Sun Dominic Lackey said, “We are doing are duty as highlighting the abuse that someone like Father Christmas suffers in a way that boosts our sales. No-one like Santa who helps all those that have been nice should ever have to suffer non-coverage in our paper.”

Father Christmas said, “She just got some spelling wrong, who gives a sheeut?”

FA 'must up its game' say freeloading parasites

It's the handbag that might derail England's chance of getting the World Cup in 2018. A seemingly innocuous gift to the visiting members of the FIFA committee has angered one delegate so much that he has been unable to hold onto all his freebies. "It is an insult to my honour and my dignity," said Warner, stuffing his pockets with vol au vents, "I could not look at myself in the new mirror I was given by Japan."

Warner's wife is sad to be distraught at losing the handbag but the FIFA official stands by his principles. "To be treated like this is a sham. In Brazil, they sacrificed a goat in my honour and named a sewage treatment plant after me. In England, they gave a fricking purse. Do they know who I am? I'm the guy that does stuff."

Another FIFA delegate agreed with Warner's stance, insisting that while England had the infrastructure, the stadiums and the capabilities to host a World Cup, they still had a long way to go in greasing up the jobsworths that make up the voting committee. "We're used to the finer things in life, I want to see cheeks on my bottom."

Warner gave a hint of the standards that the FA had to meet. "I want a pony, a tricycle, two houses made out of diamond and my own island that is dedicated to street theatre. Also, I want a parade each day where people say how lovely I am and everyone to be covered in glitter and there to be fireworks at the end that spell out 'Jack Warner is special and we all love him'. And I want another pony."

Asked if that would finally persuade him to vote for England, Warner replied, "No. Australia said they would give a ride in a fire engine."

Al Gore's new eco-film is a masterpiece say converted

It was the cinematic warning of the oncoming apocalypse, a portent so terrifying that it launched a million recycling campaigns, brought about Live Earth but didn't really do that much to stop us f**king up the planet. So now, celebrity eco-campaigner and winner of American Airlines Accumulated Air Miles 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 Al Gore will present his latest attempt at persuading humanity to lead a more environmentally friendly lifestyle. And those that have seen Our Choice: A Plan To Keep St. Tropez Nice are declaring it to be a film that concurs with their fundamental beliefs.

In his new film, Gore attempts to reach those who are not influenced by scientific fact but whose level of self-satisfied smugness means that they think that they are capable of changing the world by themselves. "Laying out the facts just won't work," said Gore, "which means we've got to rely on fiction and fairy stories to try and persuade them. Although a lot of people believe in a big man in the sky created the world, we need to make them think that he is telling them to recycle teabags."

Viewers of the film are ecstatic at the message that they themselves agree with. Richard Pilsby, a member of the Green party and part time tree said, "I'm going to go out right now and keep doing the things I was doing before. But even more so!" Claire Danns, a keen eco-warrior said, "It has honestly changed my life. Not that it has influenced me in any way but that I wasted two hours of my life on that drivel."

Government to base its drugs policy on things overheard down the pub

Following the sacking of the government's chief drugs adviser, David Nutt, the Home Secretary Alan Johnson has announced that it will be formulating a new drugs policy based on hearsay, old wives' tales and a story about how some geezer took speed and got turned into a fire extinguisher.

Nutt was forced out of his job on Friday after insisting that facts be used as a guide to reality. "The man was a troublemaker from the start," said Johnson, "On my first day, I asked him to make me a hoverboard and an ice-cream maker in the shape of a lion's head. He said that he didn't do that sort of thing and I told that made him a pretty awful scientist."

Nutt was responsbile for a series of public relations disasters, such as insisting that taking ecstacy was less dangerous than horse riding. Top equestrian Erica Lotterby questioned the findings. "Horse riding is indeed dangerous as is taking ecstacy. However, if you combine the two, they actually cancel each other out. Because if you're on a horse and on ecstacy, you're likely to hold the horse closer to you because it's just so lovely."

Johnson has promised that he will no longer be reliant on the dogma of scientific fact and will be sticking to rehashing sensationalist bunkum from the red tops. "It's important that people don't take drugs," said Johnson, "the untaxed drugs of course. For instance, if you take cocaine, your whole body becomes like a giant whistle. Smoking marajuana makes your spine homesick and every time you take a tab of LSD, part of the Pacific Ocean is executed by lethal injection. Fact."