Robbie Williams' next album to be the last fuelled by hatred of Gary Barlow

Robbie Williams is back. After three years of cultivating facial hair that only a leper colony could love and time spent chasing the UFOs that only seem to appear to mad people, the fat dancer from Take That makes his return. His new album is released next month and is rumoured to be based around world events and ruminations on pretty girls rather than why Gary Barlow is no-talent jarhead who is really jealous of Robbie because he got to do it with which ever one of the Appleton sisters from All Saints was available.

The feud between the two reached epic heights when Barlow hit back at Robbie in a song called Everyone Knows That It's Guy Chambers Who Does All The Work. In response to this, Williams decided that enough was enough and he deserved to have his say through song. Now writing without Chambers, Williams came up with the reggae smash Mr Smelly, which featured the lyrics "Mr Smelly, that's Gary Barlow/He's so fat, he flies in cargo". The single failed to chart and was panned across by most five year olds who make up the majority of Williams's fans.

Williams now insists that he is a changed man. "I've matured as a person, I've really grown up and I'm no longer addicted to painkillers, cocaine, heroin, iron railings, shoe polish, remote controls and chicken jalfrezi. I no longer touch bike pumps, orange squash, pencil sharpeners and Now That's What I Call Music 48. I know that I'll always be an addict but if I can just stay off acid, Vicodin, the poetry of Erza Pound, mops plus all that stuff I mentioned earlier, I know I'll stay happy. Although I could really do with some crack."

MPs to reject report which claims they are utter shits

The auditor looking into the legitimacy of MPs expenses has compiled his report and the picture he has drawn is much the same as a seven year old's attempt to capture the Cornwall countryside; not pretty. Sir Thomas Legg's findings will show that a small minority of MPs are not taking advantage of their role as representatives of the people. However, the rest are the worst kind of scumbags known to humanity whose self-inflated sense of importance allows them to gorge on expenses because they feel they can pride themselves on twelve solid years of helping the country to go down the toilet.

But given that a large majority are contemptible jackasses whose only real talent is implementing mediocrity on a nationwide scale, most MPs are set to reject Legg's findings in order to keep themselves in gold-plated everything.

Ann Widdicombe, Conservative MP feels that she has done nothing wrong. "I have acted within the rules the entire time. Within the rules that I created obviously, which means that I decide what's right and wrong. So if I choose to be wrong, I will be. But I won't because I'm great."

Many of the MPs feel that the expenses are necessary for their work. John Mann, Labour MP, is insistent that they are required. "I have an exceptionally hard job to do and these expenses allow me to do that job. A job that requires not implementing regulation for the banking sector leading to the biggest recession ever seen in the Western world. A job that goes a long way to increasing the gap between rich and poor, leading to a more unequal society and a job that requires the continued loss of civil liberties. Which is why I need a swimming pool the size of Carlisle. In each wing. In each of my houses."

Trafalgar Square plinth breaks barrier of a million shouts of "Prick!"

It happened at 3:29 this morning. Derek Combes, a video clerk from Hounslow who had been on the lash in celebration of his friend's eleventh divorce in six years, was walking through Trafalgar Square. Up on the plinth was Eric Potter, an amateur magician from Rickmansworth as part of the 'Aren't Common People Interesting Too?' installation by Anthony Gormley. Eric's allotted hour had not been going well. The doves he had intended to release had already been eaten by the pigeons and his card trick had been a failure due someone taking fifteen minutes to overcome the twenty foot drop between the plinth and the ground to "take a card, any card."

It was at this point that Combes made his own inadvertent piece of history. Casually walking by he happened to look up and see Potter's attempts to make a hat disappear. The botched job meant that the only missing item was Potter's dignity. Expressing his contempt for the entire operation, Combes emitted the millionth "Prick!" delivered at the performers on the plinth. To mark this piece of history, a firework display was unleashed and a thousand doves took to the sky to spell out PRICK in synchronised formation.

Chief curator of the installation, Michael Billingham, was delighted to have reached the million prick mark. "We've had a phenomenal response from the general public. They've been really imaginative with their choice of insults. We had four thousand 'arseholes' on the first day alone, we're about to cross the one hundred thousand 'twat' line and it's been another bumper day for 'turdlicker'."

Postal strike to leave millions stranded without junk mail

The members of the postal union CWU have voted for industrial action by a majority of 3-1. The irony of postal workers deciding to take any sort of action seems to have been lost on at least 75% of those voting. The ramifications of this vote mean that the country will have to go for long stretches of time without important documents that they could easily get by email.

Sales worker Ellen Hutt said, "I'm devastated. Where am I going to get my bank records? Oh wait, they're all online. I'll just Skype my landlord to let him know that his rent will be on its way."

But for those people who are so lonely that junk mail is their only communication with the outside world, the results could be devastating. Secretary Pam Finesse is anxious about missing out on letters that advertise crap she does not need. "I just love getting a message about loans that I would never ever take in a million years. I'm very happy with my phone company but it's just nice to know that there is another one offering outstanding rates."

Civil servant Gordon Bloom describes the levels of desperation reached after a period without any mail. "There was a man pushing Indian takeaway menus through the door. I ran outside, hugged him tightly and said, 'You're a hero young man'. He then ran off before calling me a freak from the end of the road."

Obama to snub William 'Braveheart' Wallace to appease the English

Following on from President Obama's snub of the Dalai Lama in order to ensure good tax breaks from China, the leader of the United States has confirmed that he will not be meeting with noted terroriser of the English armies, William 'Braveheart' Wallace. The reason behind this is a calculated endorsement of the relationship between the United States and the small island which sometimes proves useful as a military base in times of international conflict.

A spokesperson for the White House issued the following statement, "Although we are delighted to welcome Mr. Wallace and his band of pillagers and looters to our nation's capital, the President will be too busy dealing with other matters to talk to him about his issues of the importance of investing in shortbread and increased taxation on any food that isn't deep fried and covered in 'sos'."

Mr. Wallace was understandably furious at the snub saying, "Es tipical o these political c*nts. Ah got things to talk aboot but thae no wanna listen. Ah come all thus way by longboat to talk to the President but he's nae having it. Ah thot this wooz the land o the free boot it nae is. Youse all a bunch a c*nts."

Cameron to bring back the workhouse

The Conservative party has unveiled its plans to build neo-Dickensian holding spaces for the workshy and the smelly. The new communes will feature up-to-date facilities such as the most modern delousing equipment and brand spanking new recreational spaces where the dregs of society will be able to spend the time in which they are not required to spend 18 hours breaking up rocks banging their heads against a wall. A Conservative spokesperson said, "We see this as a really exciting opportunity for scum."

The Tories plans seem to have caught the mood of the nation. Reg Dwyer, a baker from Luton said, "I personally think it's a good idea. For too long these people who have been left behind by successive governments without the necessary training and education have been given a free ride. You see them loitering in the streets, drinking and smoking and really not contributing to a society that sees them as useless."

The Conservatives have been keen to stress that this new policy does not rule out payments to those unable to work. Benefits will be allocated to anyone who has suffered an injury whilst playing polo, choking on lobster parfait or thrashing their butler. The workhouses will also be rebranded to ensure a positive sheen on the whole backbreaking experience. The properties will not be known as workhouses but as "Scrubbers' Retreats".

The Brooke Shields photo debate: Is it pornography or just shite art?

It's the question that has got the art world buzzing and furiously musing over glasses of Viognier and nibbles. Does the photo of a naked ten-year old Brooke Shields constitue pornography or is it simply a piece of hack sensationalism that is frequently passed for art by braindead divs? The Chum Bucket asks for both sides of the debate with the columnist from The Daily You're Not From Around Here Are You? Carole Bismuth and artist and freelance crackwhore Dashiell Getarealjob taking up the challenge.

String the photo up says Carole Bismuth

First of all, I'll admit that it takes little to get me outraged. Every time I wake up and open the curtains, I am so appalled by what I see in the world that I spew invective at anyone I see. I then ask my maid, Zevitsa, to type up what I have screamed at her and formulate it into some sort of column.

However, when I heard someone gossiping about what they had read about the reports of this controversy, my hackles were raised to such a degree that Zevitsa could not understand what I was saying and I had to be sedated. This isn't art at all. Constable, that's art. A picture of a village green in the 18th century, now that is saying something. It says things are so nice, why ask questions?

Today's artists have lost all sense of what they are supposed to do. Are they here to challenge people's views? Are they here to comment on society and its peculiar attitudes to children and sexuality? No. They are here to produce nice pictures that can hang on my wall so that when people come to my house, they can say "Oh, you've got such nice taste" and I can say "Yes, yes I have."

The photo must remain says Dashiell Getarealjob

What is art? Is it a painting? Is it a photo of a man playing Swingball with a potato? Is it the recreation of the Battle of Ypres using only dancing question marks? Is it an installation piece where a monkey learns to play the clarinet whilst three hundred mice are shot for treason? No, this is all borgeouis make-believe and highly silly.

The very essence of art is to feel, to experience a furious range of emotions and to question how much people are willing to pay for the corpses of three hundred mice and a woodwind-playing primate called Fizzy.

That is why I believe the photo must remain in the gallery. Because what is art if it does not question? What is art if it does not arouse in people the urge to say "That is child pornography, pure and simple and has no place in a gallery"? This is exactly the type of inciendary sensation that I will attempt to stir up with my next installation piece, Man Loitering In A Clump Of Bushes Next To A Spanish Language School. I will be that man.