Law lords agree that life is pointless

In a move that has shaken up the legal world, the House of Lords has decreed that existence is pretty boring and that we’d all be better off taking a nice warm bath with a razor after a sprightly cocktail of bleach and painkillers. The news is a relief for multiple sclerosis victim Diane Purdy who has been fighting for years for the right to be kicked down the stairs. “It’s a victory for common sense and decency,” said Purdy, placing a toaster near a running bath, “I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve tried to wheel myself into oncoming traffic and it just gets you down.”

The law lords came to the conclusion after hearing testimony from an assortment of experts who testified about the general crapness of life. Professor Aznacar of the Institute of Ersatz Academia pointed the utter wrongness of anyone choosing to live in any way. “You’d have to be flaming mad to carry on,” said Aznacar, “there’s no decent music, there were hardly any exciting summer blockbusters and it’s been pissing down with rain every day. I’d top myself now but I’ve got tickets to the fourth day of the Oval test.”

It is said that the judges were finally swayed by the evidence presented by a man who had just lost his job, his house, his wife and his record for points on Tekken 6; all to the same man. Judge Robert Inclement said, “The guy came up and revealed everything that had happened to him and just finished off with ‘Screw this for a game of soldiers’ and jumped in a vat of red hot tigers. Sort of cleared everything up really.”