Law lords agree that life is pointless

In a move that has shaken up the legal world, the House of Lords has decreed that existence is pretty boring and that we’d all be better off taking a nice warm bath with a razor after a sprightly cocktail of bleach and painkillers. The news is a relief for multiple sclerosis victim Diane Purdy who has been fighting for years for the right to be kicked down the stairs. “It’s a victory for common sense and decency,” said Purdy, placing a toaster near a running bath, “I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve tried to wheel myself into oncoming traffic and it just gets you down.”

The law lords came to the conclusion after hearing testimony from an assortment of experts who testified about the general crapness of life. Professor Aznacar of the Institute of Ersatz Academia pointed the utter wrongness of anyone choosing to live in any way. “You’d have to be flaming mad to carry on,” said Aznacar, “there’s no decent music, there were hardly any exciting summer blockbusters and it’s been pissing down with rain every day. I’d top myself now but I’ve got tickets to the fourth day of the Oval test.”

It is said that the judges were finally swayed by the evidence presented by a man who had just lost his job, his house, his wife and his record for points on Tekken 6; all to the same man. Judge Robert Inclement said, “The guy came up and revealed everything that had happened to him and just finished off with ‘Screw this for a game of soldiers’ and jumped in a vat of red hot tigers. Sort of cleared everything up really.”

Police and protesters to compromise on degree of beatings

New guidelines have been recommended for future protests so that those participating will know in advance about the leathering they are about to take from the police. The move is being undertaken in the wake of the G20 protests. The violence that erupted brought antagonism about the tactics that the police used which included kettling, excessive beatings and death being meted out. The report into the police tactics praised the police's conduct although did make the recommendation that less death should be used in future. Justice Haversham who oversaw the inquiry insisted that death should only used as a last resort.

Therefore in future, protesters and police will meet before any sort of protest to discuss the range of punishments open to those with a cause. Edward Tunton of the Stop Climate Change Coalition revealed the bartering process now in operation. “I went to the police station and said that I wanted to organise a protest, very peaceful and with no radical fringe groups present. And the policeman said 'Right, how's about a couple of kicks to the old nutsack?' I said I just wanted to protest and make my views clear but he wasn't having it. He said the lowest amount he could come down to was duffing me up with his baton. Eventually we settled on a couple of wallops to the noggin and a kick up the arse.”

‘Desmond Libel Verdict A Travesty’ Say Asian Babes

The world of pornography is up in arms after its chief benefactor, Richard Desmond, owner of such titles as Hot Bums, Just Start Licking and The Daily Express, lost his libel case. Prominent people within the industry are standing by the peddler of smut on account of the numerous jobs he has created through his many, many publications. Mary Wignall of Racy Nuns extolled the opportunities that Desmond gave. “It didn’t matter who you were,” said Wignall, slowly peeling off a camisole “what you had done as long as you turned up on time and were happy to suck on a banana for hours on end.”

Desmond also feels that his charity work was neglected by the court. He has consistently found work for bored housewives, plumbers and those who were expert at achieving a soft focus on a camera lens. Violet Manufa of Oceanic Whores was keen to sing Desmond’s praises. “The man’s a pioneer, a visionary. Before Mr. Desmond came to our islands, the idea of taking our clothes off for money was an entirely foreign concept. Now most of our time is spent thinking about how to strategically place a coconut.”

However, one person who will be happy to see the jazz mag magnate take a fall is one disgruntled ex-employee. Professor Alan Watkins who appeared in issue 24 of Thermonuclear Physicists Spread Their Cheeks is angry at the treatment he received. “It was supposed to be a tasteful shoot. Me and a couple of my colleagues bent over a positron emitter, showing our bums to the world. When the photos came out, it was clear that our bums had been airbrushed. The man’s got no shame.”

Police raid on Jackson’s doctor’s house set to make their eBay fortunes

A dawn raid by FBI agents on the offices of Michael Jackson’s personal physician has revealed a whole load of junk that can be flogged to gullible saps, reports say. Many of the officers participating in the raid revealed that they will never have to work another day in their lives as a result of what they found. Officer Dwayne Jones held up a photo album containing some of Jackson’s most treasured pictures. “This obviously meant a lot to Michael,” said Jones, “so it’s goodbye to paperwork and hello to mucho, mucho bitches!” Operation Tat Grab was carried out in Conrad Murray’s Houston clinic as part of the ongoing investigation into how Jackson managed to live to the age of fifty.

Murray was responsible for Jackson’s physical well-being although the singer’s death has cast some slight doubts on Murray’s ability to carry out his job to any kind of decent standard. One of Murray’s colleagues defended the doctor saying, “Sudden death is a very hard thing to treat. I’ve lost count of the number of my patients who have succumbed to sudden death after being treated be me. It’s just utterly incomprehensible.”

The investigation was triggered by Jackson’s autopsy report which revealed traces of human tissue in amongst the metal, plastic, selotape and multiple motherboards that kept Jackson in working order. Chief investigator Larry Dunder remarked, “We were going to contact Microsoft and ask them what might have gone wrong with the operating system. Now there are other possibilities we need to follow up.” Asked if he would be dropping the technical lead, Dunder was hesitant. “We can’t rule it out as we now know that Jackson was using Windows Vista to run his body. So anything could have gone wrong at any time.”

Eriksson takes job as Notts County toilet cleaner

Amongst the huge transfers taking place in the football world this summer, one deal has outdone them all. Notts County have appointed former England boss Sven Goran Eriksson to clean their latrines for the coming season. However, at his unveiling at the League Two club, Eriksson appeared to be a little confused at his role at the club. “I don’t think I will be cleaning any toilets at all. I am the director of football and my aim is to take this club into the Premiership.” Notts County chairman Peter Trembling was keen to puncture Eriksson’s enthusiasm. “The Premiership? You’ve got more chance of unblocking the U-bend in the gents. Speaking of which, here’s some gloves and a mop.” Asked about the financial risk that a big hitter like Eriksson brings, Trembling replied, "Yeah sure, he's got a some end-of contract pay out clause but you should see the shine he gets on that shower head."

The transfer is one in an increasing trend as the world recession bites into the corpulent and bloated flesh of football. Professionals previously at the top of their game now have to look for alternative employment as the cash dries up. Former Newcastle and Fulham boss Kevin Keegan is now learning to train seals at the Kings Lynn Water Park. “I’ve come here with a point to prove,” said Keegan. “People think that you can’t train seals to do much but I’ll tell you right now, I would love it, I would love it if Benji can jump through that hoop and eat the fish, I would love it.”

Back at Notts County, Eriksson has been immersing himself in his new duties. “I’ve got so much on here, it is really exciting. At first I was hoping to take charge of the football academy and oversee transfers. Then they told me that they had much more ambitious plans for me. Apparently the showers are backed up with huge lumps of hair and they need me to get in there and reach it all out.” Asked whether this was a step down in terms of his career, Eriksson replied, “It could be worse, I could be employed at Newcastle.”

MOD calls for less enemies in Afghanistan

The defence secretary, Bob Ainsworth, has made a plea for fewer insurgents attacking British soldiers in the wake of rising casualties in the war-torn country. It is being reported that the British army is unable to cope with the sheer number of blood-thirsty rebels trying to blow the crap out of them. “It’s almost like they don’t want us to be in their country,” said Ainsworth. The MOD has launched an initiative to encourage would-be attackers to do other things with their time. The “Don’t Hurt Our Boys, Hurt Our Toys” scheme is being rolled out across the country and encourages angry militants to blow up teddy bears and Scalextrix tracks instead of members of the armed forces. Uptake of the scheme is said to be “slow”.

The news comes as soldiers complain about the substandard equipment that they are having to use in the face of increasing budget cuts. One soldier revealed that their body armour consisted of nothing but baking trays and pillows stuffed down their shirt. “It might work for the A-Team,” said the anonymous source, “but against guys with rocket launchers and grenades, you tend to come off second best. And that’s generally not what you want to be doing.”

Ainsworth has insisted that progress is being made in Afghanistan. He pointed to Sangin, a town that was in disarray but now has a thriving market. “I’m told you can get all kinds of nicknacks and goodies there,” said Ainsworth, “you can get fruit, cheese, bullets, anti-aircraft missiles, all the components needed for explosive devices, ah. That’s probably why they’re so successful.”

Radio One unveils all-cock line-up

The BBC has moved quickly to ensure that it is keeping up with the youth of today by completing a line-up of attention-deficient divs to present shows on Radio 1. The new rota of DJs will see Chris Moyles guff on in his usual manner, followed by Fearne Cotton (who's clearly got one) testing the listeners’ faith in a just universe. Filling up the afternoon slots will be work experience boy Reg James before the nation holds its nose whilst the flow of excrement and sewage that is the Scott Mills Show fills the airwaves.

The run of talentless voids is unparalleled in the radio station’s history. Radio analyst Terry Hirst remarked that, “No matter how bad things got at Radio One, there was always someone decent on. Like Mark & Lard or the rare occasions when Jo Whiley wasn’t trying to give her guests a reacharound under the table. Now the line-up makes you want to retch, over and over again.

Radio One controller Andy Parfitt defended the changes to the station’s programming saying, “As kids become more techno-savvy and more nuanced in their choice of media output, we need more dicks on Radio One.”

The move will see 68 year old Jo Whiley move to Radio Two, a move that she did not seem happy to make. Speaking to reporters outside Broadcasting House, the veteran broadcaster said, “Hey dudes, I’m still fresh and I’ve got some fat grooves to lay down. Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy. Let’s all get down to the new sounds of the Isley Brothers.” Whiley then tried to speed off on a skateboard and fell over and fractured everything.

Flintoff to retire his liver after the Ashes

English cricket is facing a much more sober future with the news that Andrew Flintoff will be retiring his liver at the end of the current Ashes series. The all-round cricketer and all-night drinker made the decision after realising his organ could no longer keep up with the demands of Test match drinking. Flintoff made his announcement outside the Lumpy Dragon pub where the England team has been preparing their latest ding-dong with the Aussies. “It was time to listen to my body and to acknowledge the incessant shrieks of pain coming from the abdominal area. I’ve always tried to be the model professional but when you can no longer neck a bottle of sherry without blacking out, it’s time to call it a day.”

Flintoff is one of England’s great drinkers, responsible for 32,015 units taken in international drinking. He announced his arrival on the scene with an astonishing 207 not pissed at the famous Gabba ground in Brisbane. “It was a devastating display of drinking,” recalls Reg Yorker, the cricket “expert” for the Chum Bucket, “they were throwing everything at him: snakebite, rum, meths and full-length yards of ale. But he just kept on downing the lot.”

Flintoff’s decision to retire his liver leaves a big hole in England’s drinking side. Captain Andrew Strauss is willing to try and exceed his usual bottle of wine with dinner but problems remain elsewhere. Paul Collingwood is good for a couple of pints before getting a bit lairy whilst Jimmy Anderson falls over after the smallest whiff of shandy. When Flintoff was asked about how he’ll replace his liver after its retirement, he said, “I’m having an operation to put a sponge in there. That way, I can just unzip my chest and wring the booze out. Result.”

Cohen's next target: bad sitcoms and their fans

His latest movie was a groundbreaking tour de force, which seemed to suggest that people working in fashion might be a bit deluded. Now, for his next project, Sacha Baron Cohen will use his satirical might to skewer those who are happy to watch average sitcoms. Cohen will travel the country before going to America after running out of ideas. Industry insiders are predicting the film to be a huge hit on the grounds that Cohen “is a lot smarter than other people and boy does he know it.”

Some advance footage has already been leaked on the net and features a rip-roaring exchange between Cohen and Benidorm fan Betty Forrester. Forrester was duped into appearing after thinking she was appearing on a channel 4 documentary, The 100 Best Ever Sitcoms Based In A Well-Known Spanish Resort. “I thought it would be one of those things presented by Jimmy Carr,” said Forrester, “but I thought something was up when he kept saying how bad the show was. I said ‘It’s not great but I like it’ and he just burst out laughing and kept saying ‘But it’s so terrible and you still watch it, you’re so stupid.’ He wouldn’t stop until I was crying. At that point he said cut and walked away.”

Another of Cohen’s victims was Simon Beaton who talked about his love of the often-maligned Two Pints of Lager and A Packet Of Crisps. Beaton admits the programme is not a work of genius but regularly tunes in on account of identifying with the characters. “I told this to the guy interviewing me,” said Beaton, “and he started laughing so hard that he was having trouble breathing. When I said that I found the stories to include a good mixture of humour and pathos, he got to giggling so much that he was in quite some pain.” The release date for the film is not known as Cohen is determined to find someone who actually likes My Family, which most comedy viewers agree on as being utter toilet.

Stem Cell Sperm Hell

Newcastle is a city renowned for spunking money up the wall. It is either done by lager-swilling overeaters on teams full of overpriced football players, or, by the overpriced football players themselves in nightclubs that wouldn’t look out of place in Kabul. Following this trend, scientists at Newcastle University have this week achieved synergy, by creating human sperm cells from tiny bits of baby and then spunking that up the wall instead.

Currently only used for spilling on the trousers of colleagues in cruel practical jokes, the research team have promised that once they exhaust the humour value of throwing factory-fresh baby-gravy at their Lab assistant, they will find something useful to do with it. Honest. Like make an entire gender obsolete. Scientists have advised those tempted to play around with sperm that it does not in fact make an adequate replacement for hair gel. Professor Biker Grove gravely warned, “I was watching that There’s Something About Mary and thought that that bit with the sperm as hair gel might just work. It turns out that you just give yourself really smelly hair. This is the kind of serious research we’ve been conducting here.”

However, the recent breakthroughs in population-porridge studies have not been greeted with unqualified enthusiasm throughout the University. Hugh Chillblain, the head of the demographic ethics department struck a cautious note at the prospect of men becoming redundant, “Sure, everyone knows women are clearly the superior gender. Have you seen this month’s Razzle? But it’s these useless men competing against each other, to get their hands on totty, that have created all the trappings of civilization.

“Our projections have shown that a world without men would certainly be a more peaceful place, but we’ve also conclusively proven that within 3 years each household will need its own personal Ray Mears. And anyway what’s the point? It’s not like there’s a shortage of the stuff; my wife and I have three teenage sons, you know. The only thing we could use more of is shares in Persil.”

News of the World shamefaced as phone tapping still results in crap stories

The News of the World is coming under increasing pressure to explain its continued output of bunkum, despite having access to prominent people’s phone calls. Though the newspaper had tapped into the phones of John Prescott, Elle MacPherson, Gordon Taylor and other public figures, they were only been able to come up with such “exclusives” as “Prescott: My Pie Hell” and “Boobs are nice”. Journalist Mike Hack offered an apology to the newspaper’s readers, insisting that they had deserved more given the illegal underhand tactics used. “You would’ve expected us to come up with some really juicy stuff given that we’ve been invading privacy like British tourists invade the Costa del Sol. But we’ve failed. We’re a disgrace to lowlife journoscum.”

The scheme perpetrated by the newspaper could potentially involve hundreds of ministers, celebrities and other officials. One such person being Boris Johnson who posed numerous problems for those listening in on his phone calls. An anonymous reporter described his difficulties at trying to understand what the hell the Mayor of London was saying. “It took him about an hour just to complete a sentence. It was full of ‘Y’know’s’ and ‘Ah, looks like I’ve got myself into a bit of a tither here.’

“I ended up shouting ‘Just try and go two seconds without saying Gosh!’ down the line. He overheard me and was a bit shocked at what I was up to. Thankfully I had my wits about me and reassured him it was just a crossed line, and he carried on oblivious about owing somebody called Asclepius a bit of cock action. But this turned out to be not quite as juicy as we had initially hoped.”

Another public figure outraged at the scandal is Lewis Hamilton, who is furious that his phone calls are not being tapped in any way whatsoever. “Look, I’m a celebrity, the Formula One world champion and have got the second fittest bird in the Pussycat Dolls for a girlfriend,” moaned Hamilton, “Why don’t people want to listen to what I’ve got to say?” Asked to explain their omission, the News of the World replied, “’Cos Hamilton is just such a boring wankstain. Fact.”

Report recommends cutting police brutality through “demonstration curtailment”

A report into the policing of the G20 protests has recommended that no future protests should be arranged for fear of encouraging police to get stuck in. Head of the commission, Douglas Runesmith, insisted that the decision was being made to ensure public safety, saying that it was impossible to contain the feral brutes that make up the Metropolitan Police. “These guys are monsters. If they even see just a hint of placard, they go off their nut. We had a surprise birthday party for one of them last week. In he comes, sees the banner we’ve put up and bosh, he takes out three people before putting his own granny in a coma.”

The report looked at several aspects of police tactics used at the protests. The most notorious of these was ‘kettling,’ a tactic in which protestors are given a kettle of boiling hot water and asked to pour it over themselves. Runesmith insisted that this method of policing would not be used in future. However, he was coy about the potential continued use of repeated beatings for people lying defenceless on the floor, and those members of the public who pose a threat to national security by asking questions like, “Excuse me Officer, are you sure you’re allowed to do this?” Speaking with a glint in his eye, Runesmith said, “Well? Never say never...”

Asked if his recommendation was simply a way of ensuring that protests do not go ahead, unless of course they’re being carried out by Tamils in Parliament Square so politicians are inclined not to curtail police powers, Runesmith replied, “And what are you going to do about it if it is, Sunshine? Have yourself a little protest? I’ve got a can of Mace here that says you won’t.”

Alarming development in deepening Graduate Joblessness crisis

It is late evening in Dagenham. In a disused warehouse a large crowd has gathered. They are a raucous congregation, whose jeering and shouting echo around the bare warehouse walls as they follow the spectacle that is going on in front of them. Above a floor covered with specks of blood hangs an atmosphere thick with swearing, goading, recrimination and the acrid stench of stale sweat and fresh fear.

This isolated location used to be famous for its weekly cockfights, where successive braces of feathered foul would be pitted against one another in a disturbing contest to the death. But this evening is different. No one will witness a chicken wing raised in anger. Tonight’s brutal face-off will see Jemma Saunders, a recent history graduate from Durham, knocking seven bells out of Peter Wardle who has just completed a Masters in International Relations at Trinity College, Dublin.

The growing phenomenon is being seen more and more across the country as increasing numbers of graduates find themselves unable to secure employment. With the promise of easy money, they are being lured into the murky world of fighting each other in the dead of night in car parks, on urban waste ground and in disused Victorian swimming pools. One organiser of these events explained the appeal of using graduates instead of poultry. “Well the risk is a lot smaller. If you get caught organising cock fights, you can do a long stretch. But graduates? That’s different. I’ve seen people with an MPhil in Medieval Poetry lose a couple of teeth and be grateful for the work.”

Jemma is no different. Speaking after she had finished Wardle off with a headbutt and a kick to the knackers, she explained her reasons for accepting such a shady proposition. “The money’s good and it gets you out of the house. I can make eighty pounds a night from kicking the crap out of the cream of this country’s academic elite. Plus, if I keep at it long enough, I’m promised an entry-level position at Saatchi & Saatchi.” Asked why she had chosen to use her degree to pursue a life of pugilism, she replies, “Well really, it was either this or temping.”

Manchester United latest club to fall for Owen swindle

The football world is in shock after learning that Manchester United are the latest in a long line of clubs to fall for one of the oldest tricks in the book: signing Michael Owen. The Police Fraud Office have frequently warned clubs about handing over money to the 29 year-old, on account of his habit of taking the money and then lying on the floor for three years saying, “I’ve got a sore everything.” One such victim, a Mr. Ashley of Newcastle, recalls, “He said he would score so many goals that it would be an affront to God. But it turned out all we got was an affront to the concept of hard work and money being properly earned.”

The complicated confidence scam involves Owen turning up at a football club’s gift shop and getting a shirt printed with his name on the back. Wearing this, he will wander around until someone recognises him as “that bloke what scored that amazing goal against the Argies in ’98.” It is then only a matter of time before a director assumes that he is already playing for their club, and ends up handing over a new contract to the tune of £100,000 a week. Rumours abound that Owen learned this technique off his old Liverpool teammate Robbie Fowler.

Owen himself, however, is very pleased with his new set of surroundings. “It really is the pinnacle of any player’s career to be injured at Manchester United. They have had so many great players and I really am very excited about looking at their pictures on the wall whilst I’m getting treatment for chapped lips.” Asked to reassure his new fans about his long-term fitness, Owen said, “Er, yeah, sure. Why not? I’m getting a prosthetic foot after the last one dropped off. But once that’s glued on, who knows?”

Murray on verge of historic disappointment

After fluffing the nation’s expectations with his 3-set victory over some bloke the UK had never heard of, Andy Murray stands on the verge of cementing his place in Wimbledon history. The formidable Scotsman appears all set to be the next in a long line of British tennis players to make the Wimbledon Semi-finals, only to flap around like a sloth with Downs. Many experts are suggesting this will be the most outstanding display of disappointment since that Thai chick you took home turned out to be a bloke.

Mike Burnley, a gobby fair-weather fan amongst the ticket-dodgers stationed on the Wimbledon Hill, dug into his annual reserves of tennis expertise and came up with the following piece of analysis: “For me, this is really showing us a glimpse of the great player he has become. Any Brit player can just crash out in the early rounds, but look at how Andy’s built up our hopes. He even found spectacular form in the tournaments preceding this one, to consolidate this whole façade of brilliance.

“With Tim, our disappointments felt so cheap, you never truly thought that he’d actually go the distance. But Murray, well, he’s got everyone really believing he can win. So his 3-set tonking at the hands of some greasy Yank will be an absolute corker of a let-down. I’m gonna have to get some Xanax on stand-by.”

Previous scourge of the Nation’s hopes and dreams, Tim Henman, was reticent about the Scot’s chances in the tournament’s later stages, commenting, “Yeah… he’s alright, s’pose.” The boring Hugh Grant wannabe then added, “I know everyone’s saying he could be on the verge of making history, but what is history anyway apart from, ‘this one time, this guy, did some stuff’? Still it’ll probably beat the thrill of watching one of those fat retards win 50p on that Deal or No Deal. It’s just picking boxes at random for Christ’s sake.”

Entertainment World joined in sorrow by Feminist Movement as Mollie Sugden dies

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Flintoff no “drunken hobo” assures Strauss

With all the excitement of The Ashes series set for an imminent return to these shores, our cricketing correspondent, Reg Yorker, reports on an increasing sense of unease within the home team’s camp.

England captain Andrew Strauss has been unequivocal in his eagerness to scotch rumours that the Cricketing all-rounder, and all-round good egg, Freddie Flintoff, is destined for a life dancing the Macarena at night-bus stops at four in the morning. Concern had been growing over Flintoff’s future after he was spotted stuffing his personal effects into plastic bags and leering at women from a park bench in Doncaster while reeking of Special Brew. He was also reprimanded for missing the coach to Normandy for a D-Day commemorative event. Having staggered in six hours late to find Strauss addressing a group of veterans he was heard to say, “I love you soldier guys, you’re all sooo awesome. Who’s the daddy? You’re the daddy. Who’s the daddy? You’re the daddy. Who’s the daddy? I’M THE F*CKIN’ DADDY! None of you can bat for shit.” before collapsing.

This isn’t the first time that Flintoff has got into hot water over his affinity for the falling down water. In 2007 he sank Mick Jagger’s yacht after ramming it repeatedly with a pedalo, a stunt which lost him the vice-captaincy. He was also rumoured to have turned up to training sessions for the 06/07 Ashes series still “steaming boats,” the result was a 5-0 defeat and most of the batting order losing their testicles to the Australian bowling attack. One teammate reported seeing Flintoff turn up at the WACA Ground with a case of champagne, two crates of bitter and a small jar of glacé cherries, shouting “Look lads, we’re going to lose anyway, let’s just have a bit of a party. Eh?”

However, the England captain has gone out of his way to calm the concerns of those who fear Flintoff will be the target of concerted Australian sledging. There is talk that the Aussies plan to get Flintoff out by putting a cheeky Stella Artois on a good length just outside his off-stump: which might prove irresistible. But England’s training has been actively geared to eliminating this kind of threat. Strauss has revealed that England’s fast bowlers have been bombarding Flintoff with full length shooters and in-swinging pitchers of San Miguel. “It’s been going really well,” said Strauss, “although he did get caught behind off a large nick from a pitched-up double of Bells.”

Flintoff himself was keen to put worries over his dipsomania to rest, by attending a press conference once he had risen from his slumbers beneath the team bus. Steadying himself with an arm around the nearest reporter, and speaking into his shoulder, he announced, “Look… if ai can shee off twenny-foor cans of that aussie-pish Fosters in a morning, I’ll have no worries with this bunch of pansies on the pitch, so shuddup.”

“Of course,” he added, “this could jus’ be the booze talkin’.”